Door Project

Script for an art event I am planning later this year. I will be an art installation. My first and biggest project to date… It will be in acrylic so yikes.. I am trying to figure out something that I can do.

“Anxiety is like a door. A door painted in beautiful colors. A door so beautiful that it cannot be disturbed. The door is locked, so that it will never open. Opening the beautiful door may come with uncomfortable consequences. Opening the door may chip the paint, making it less beautiful. Opening the door may jar a hinge, making it impossible to close again…but
Keeping the door closed has consequences. Keeping the door closed blocks opportunities that only appear on the other side. It blocks the unseen or the possible. The beautiful door disguises an ugly cloud that overwhelms. A cloud of fear that builds new doors. All beautiful doors but they are all closed.
Unlock the beautiful door, be courageous. Put away the fear of imperfection. The anxiety of things not seen. Open the door. Pause for a moment to see through to the other side. See the opportunities unseen through the cloud of fear. Step over the threshold of presumptions. Step through the frame of the beautiful door.”

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Ah!! Writer’s block

AH!  I have writer’s block.  😦

I’m trying too hard.  I have a lot of noise.  My girls are bugging me.  Anything to explain away the fact that I have no way to explain what happens when you’re stuck in a field of grass with zombies.  I have rewritten it in my head and I think it sucks.  I made some changes to the post before it and it’s thrown everything into chaos.

This is an attempt to free-write my way into the sunset on the other side of the moon.

Stuck in the grass with hungry sub-humans eating your neighbors. What a terrifying thought but where are the words?  Basically, my story is now stuck… No forward progress.  I’m really going to have to go back a few to regain this.  .. … ….

Signed

Unhappy 😦

Work Anxiety

Made some mistakes at work today.  Have this overwhelming umbrella of paranoia and anxiety over this job.  Everything is perfect and the job loves me but I keep getting this feeling that something is going wrong.  Something is going to come up.  Someone is going to say, “I’m sorry but we have to boot you from the project.  You are just not working out anymore.”

I even feel that I am not giving 100%.  So much going on at work and more going on at home.  I’m overtired and wore out everyday.  It’s like I work 24 hours a day.. anyway.. that’s my speal..have a good day..

P.S. Check out my new post in City of Zombies later.. I haven’t written it yet but today is the day.  I don’t know if they are going to head to grandma’s or the safehouse.. maybe grandma is the safehouse or in the safehouse.. something.. should be interesting

Wow, I have an anxiety problem

Super stressed today.  Started work with an application down issue.  I took control of the issue and now have the responsibility of making sure a good solution is presented.  I’ve run through the last week wondering if I’m fooling everyone about my skills as a programmer.  How do you convince yourself you know what your doing?  I’ve got everyone else convinced, even though I worry they can see right through me.  That last thing is so contradictory.  How can I convince everyone but be scared they aren’t?  Isn’t the beginning a confident statement followed by crap?  My girls continue to aggravate me.  Like on on a tightrope, above a bridge and it swings wildly in the wind.  I have this tiny voice in my head telling me to be calm and respectable to my children.  They will remember the worse moments but then, Big Sarge takes over and barks his orders.  It’s insane.. its like two people arguing over who can be the better parent.  I would rather have this argument with my wife.  Second, third or fourth.. I don’t care.. I’m tired.. I go to bed at 11:30-12 and wake up at 6:30.  I can just blame today’s issue on that

New Posts (Anxiety Journal)

My anxiety is really high today.  I don’t know the cause, just know my children make it worse.  I heard on the radio someone started writing a journal.  This is a public writing blog and I thought what better exercise then writing thoughts that prevent me from being happy.  Anyways, I have money and child discipline activities on my mind.  The family may move soon so that pressure is growing. “Do I have enough money to move?”  Will I have enough money? I need to find a new job.  What if they don’t like me?  What if my current success is a fluke?  What if the new place is worse than this place..

Anyways, post number 1.. I hope it makes me feel better