Awkward Moments

That awkward moment when your using a public bathroom and you know the person next to you is judging you as you struggle to free the prisoners you have been holding onto since lunch.
You can feel the judgement radiating from the walls of the bathroom stall. He/She is not talking, not even moving.
“Did I kill the person in the other stall?”
Not possible, you think. The person is trying not to laugh, you assume.
“Hurry, and finish up,” you tell yourself.
“I want to finish before this person. Maybe they will stand by the sink and wait for you to step out of the stall?”

You finish your business and step from the stall. Nothing from the other stall. You walk by and glance through the thin crack between the door and the frame and you see nothing.

“There is no one.”

— Wonderful judgements of a paranoid mind.. 🙂

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Nerves

Trying to get back to regular posting on my favorite blog, my only blog.

Question:

My nerves are killing me.  Interview in about ten minutes but the thing is I have to stop telling people I’m nervous.  It seems to me an invitation to weakness.  This means it is an invitation from the person you are telling to help you become stronger.

I don’t agree that it’s admitting weakness to be nervous.  I think it’s a natural thing to be nervous.  Do people that display utmost confidence ever become nervous?

I believe it happens all the time.

The curious thing for me would be… do successful people tell other people they are nervous?  Would spilling that secret be unacceptable because it is displaying a weakness?

I am constantly fighting with myself about my appearance to other people.  Not my physical appearance.  I’m fine with my greying hair and sculpted abs… ha..ha..ha

What I’m not fine with it my ability to communicate.  My ability to display to others that I know what I’m doing?

I was able to do a good job at this with my last project.  I was so confident it spilled over to my team.  This is what I want to carry over to my new project and my life.

How complicated is it to being confident as a father and husband?

It’s quite complicated.  It’s not just, “Oh get this report done by Wednesday” or “Cash your check on Friday” after a long week.  Homelife is so much more complicated.

There is no money in raising a family.  Sure you are raising you kids and treating your partner great to make everything work.  All that is wonderful but it’s a 40 hour week shoved on top of a 40 hour work week.  It’s hard.

…but look at what happens when you do it right.

 

Ready for NaMo?

“Are you ready for NaMo?”

Are you asking me?

“Yes, you?”

I am not ready.  I am so not ready.  I have City of Zombies that I could redo and I have this novel idea from my young daughter Kortni.  We agreed to write a story about a boy in a Happy town that runs into a women that is threatening to make everyone sad… but… it’s a bit shallow.  It makes me sad.

“I’m sorry your sad.”

Yeah, it’s just one of many sad things.  Worried about my dad and my job and my family.  I have Brokenstickstudio.com to maintain and paint new stuff.  It’s been an insanely busy year for me.  By the way… I’m wearing my new Hoodie.

“Ah, I see.  You must like your stuff.”

I do.  They are the best thing outside of the words I put on this blog.  I really love my stories and do miss writing.  Unfortunately, my words don’t make me any money.  I hate to admit that.  Such a passion but I need to make a leaving.  I’m so lucky to have my job and my art.  They both support my writing.

“So what are you going to do for NaMo or National Writing month?”

You know this is my plan.  With all the psuedo-plans I’ve tried to make… I am going to write everyday.  That is my plan.  If I write something that sticks then I’m going there.  I have a whole lot of material.  I really like the Shortz family.  I’m not sure what the details are for the world they live in.  It would be interesting.  I also want to pick up the train story again.

Ahh… Some days

So frustrated today…

Sorry for any delays in storytelling lately.  I’m finding some success, all though very small, running www.brokenstickstudio.com.

I will still write and this is not a sign off… this is just a expression of exhaustion regarding an application I’m working on at work.

My writing is coming up to November and Novel Writing month.  I want to participate but I will have to pause work at the studio.  It’s really hard to shift gears from something you know is working to something you just like to do.  My daughter wants me to write a novel on a happy boy in a happy town that finds something wrong.  I’m stressing over this…

Never done anything like this.  My goal was to write an outline but I’ve never been all that great at sitting down and writing that framework.  Now, I have recently started DM’ing a game at http://www.woldiangames.com/.  We are always looking for more players by the way.  🙂

Creating these modules are very interesting and helpful.  They are certainly an asset when you are trying to tell a story.  I could very well set up these with my previous novel attempts and this new one.  If I was to do this boy story I really need some more details.  I’ve got a few days to work this out… stay tuned here for more details.  Also plan to add my new site here when I get a couple free moments.

Thanks for sticking with me… 🙂

matt

 

Dream of Death – Journal entry

I had a dream last night that I died. It was something that really makes you think. Don’t think too much into it. It could of had many meanings.

I spoke to my sister in my dream.  She had passed before me, which is more frightening.  Neither of us is dead but I was learning something from her.  I felt comfortable but fearful.

Can you feel comfortable but fearful?

We were both lying in a desert-like environment.. no heat just the sand and the scarce trees and bushes.

This dream just concreted my thought on how important it is to live up to your expectations of life.  To enjoy every moment and be good to people. Those people are going to be supporting you when you start to fade away.  A belief in God is helpful throughout life but I’m afraid that denies you credit as a strong individual.  You can give the grief to God.  He will take it but that grief is still yours to own.  You have to figure out how to manage it.
It’s like telling a baseball coach to hit a homerun for you.  It’s not possible.  The coach is there but you have to hit your own homerun.

Life is so absolutely important.
This is just an opinion piece here but I believe life is far more important than death or after-death.
Sure, if you are afraid to go to hell you are going to do your best to avoid it… fear has a way of doing that but are you living the best life by being fearful of punishment?
A single-minded focus on a happy afterlife avoids the situations that appear everyday. It’s a coping mechanism that many people need. Just let me get through this tough life and I will be ok.
I don’t agree with this. Life is so absolutely wonderful. So many potentials in this life of ours. I’ve had rough years. I’ve had some problems and expect more.
Life comes with the awesome responsibilities of others. Your actions affect everyone else. I feel it is my responsibility to be the best person because of what my actions do for others.
Sure, I screw this up all the time. Look at me under a microscope and you will see all the germs and micro-organisms swimming around but this is normal.  It’s all but impossible to be perfect everyday.

New Theories on Evolutionary Creationism

Taken from an article I posted on Helium.com and written on an old blogspot page.

Religion divides people, communities and entire countries. It is an unintentional result of what psychologists call, group think. Members in a group, using group think, minimize conflict and often reach consensus without critically testing, analyzing, and evaluating ideas. Many members of the group avoid promoting viewpoints outside the comfort zone of consensus thinking. I believe many religions, including Evolutionist, make hasty, irrational decisions. Individual doubts and questions that would normally be asked are left unanswered and set aside. This is dangerous but also unavoidable. I propose to remove this group think, for the most part, and hope that members can come to realize that all creation theory’s can hold the same weight.

Both science and religion respond and react to needs. Science responds to a need to understand the meaning of all life. Religion responds to a need for life to have meaning. From these positions, one issue is clearly present in both science and religion. Both, in ways, describe reality. This reality may feel different for a Creationist or an Evolutionist but until we have indisputable proof that one or the other is correct it is that person’s reality. Following is research detailing the similarities between each creation theory. The first story of creation was told many thousands of years ago. It was started from small communities and passed on verbally until it spread around the world. Each community took essential parts of that story and made it their own. The Beginning I will give a short synopsis of several creation stories to show similarities. The Greeks: “In the beginning there was only chaos. Then out of the void appeared Erebus, the unknowable place where death dwells, and Night. All else was empty, silent, endless, darkness. Then somehow Love was born bringing a start of order. From Love came Light and Day. Once there was Light and Day, Gaea, the earth appeared.” (Hunt, J.M.) The Phoenicians: The Phoenician story of the creation came from Taautus, the god of writing. It supposes that all things consist of a Dark Mist of an ethereal nature, the Breath of dark mist, and of a turbid Chaos black as Erebus; that these were boundless, and for many ages remained without a boundary. But when the spirit fell in love with its own principles, and they were interblended, that interweaving was called love; and this love was the creation of all things.” (Azize, Joseph) Apache: In the beginning nothing existed-no earth, no sky, no sun, no moon, only darkness was everywhere. Suddenly from the darkness emerged a thin disc, one side yellow and the other side white, appearing suspended in midair. Within the disc sat a small bearded man, Creator, the One Who Lives Above. As if waking from a long nap, he rubbed his eyes and face with both hands. When he looked into the endless darkness, light appeared above. He looked down and it became a sea of light. To the east, he created yellow streaks of dawn. To the west, tints of many colors appeared everywhere. There were also clouds of different colors. Creator wiped his sweating face and rubbed his hands together, thrusting them downward. Behold! A shining cloud upon which sat a little girl.” Evolution “About 15 billion years ago a tremendous explosion started the expansion of the universe. This explosion is known as the Big Bang. At the point of this event all of the matter and energy of space was contained at one point. What existed prior to this event is completely unknown and is a matter of pure speculation. This occurrence was not a conventional explosion but rather an event filling all of space with all of the particles of the embryonic universe rushing away from each other. The Big Bang actually consisted of an explosion of space within itself unlike an explosion of a bomb were fragments are thrown outward. The galaxies were not all clumped together, but rather the Big Bang lay the foundations for the universe.” “Since the Big Bang, the universe has been continuously expanding and, thus, there has been more and more distance between clusters of galaxies. This phenomenon of galaxies moving farther away from each other is known as the red shift. As light from distant galaxies approach earth there is an increase of space between earth and the galaxy, which leads to wavelengths being stretched. ” (LaRocco, Chris and Rothstein, Blair) In the beginning there was only chaos. Although worded differently within each story these words ring true. There was then life whether created by a heavenly being or through the Big Bang. After some time there was world annihilation both the Ice Age and the end of the dinosaurs, or the Flood. After the annihilation new societies were created. New creatures emerged from the wasted land and flourished. The church and each religion cataloged each event carefully. Taking time to ensure the details were correct for the present period. Science through the same period of time also cataloged each event and ensured the details were correct compared to the knowledge they had gathered at that point. Finally, the church and each religion preach of the end of the world. Science also has theories that dictate the end of the worldi.e. meteoroids, global warming and others. Charles Darwin, the man that wrote The Origin of Species was not a devout Christian at the end of his life but he attended a Church of England school and studied Anglican theology in hopes of becoming a clergyman. Even after that fateful trip on the Beagle to the Galapagos, Darwin still held the belief in Biblical creation. He even wrote, “little world within itself … we seem to be brought near to that great fact – that mystery of mysteries – the first appearance of new beings on this earth”. On returning from the Galapagos, Darwin developed his theory of natural selection fully aware that it conflicted with the predetermined Christian theory. Darwin contemplated the Christian meaning of morality and concluded that the religious instinct evolved with society. Only after the death of his daughter did Darwin’s faith falter and he struggled with life in a Christian civilization. This is only my guess but I believe Darwin struggled to find a median between religion and science. Albert Einstein, one of the world’s greatest minds took several positions on religion and science. Pointed Quote- “After religious teachers accomplish the refining process indicated, they will surely recognize with joy that true religion has been ennobled and made more profound by scientific knowledge.” Albert Einstein grew up in a Jewish family. By his accounts he began to read popular scientific books and soon reached the conclusion that many of the stories in the Bible were false. He was crushed with the realization that he was being deceived by through lies. He began to mistrust authority and became skeptical toward these religious convictions. Einstein states that his attitude never changed but became tempered as he became older. He was never completely comfortable with the choice but he states that he never regretted making the choice. (Einstein, Albert) “It is quite clear to me that the religious paradise of youth, which was thus lost, was a first attempt to free myself from the chains of the “merely personal,” from an existence dominated by wishes, hopes, and primitive feelings. Out yonder there was this huge world, which exists independently of us human beings and which stands before us like a great, eternal riddle, at least partially accessible to our inspection and thinking.” Theories There are several different theories, including creation and evolution. Some combine evolution and creation accepting a portion of it and some don’t . Below is a short definition and short explanation of each. Evolution: “Evolution is the change in a population’s inherited traits from generation to generation.” The Origin of Species was submitted to the Linnaean Society of London on July 1, 1858 by Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace thus starting the raging controversy between creation and evolution. Creationism: The belief that humanity, life, the Earth, and the universe were created in their entirety by a supernatural deity. (God) As I stated earlier there are several stories of Creation. Most starting with darkness and chaos and then developing into the creation of life. Evolutionary Creationism or Theistic Evolution: Some individuals have the opinion that some or all classical religious teachings about God and Creation are compatible with some or all of modern scientific understanding about biological evolution. (Wikipedia) Intelligent Design: The belief that certain processes of the universe and living things are explained by an intelligent cause and are not an indirect process such as natural selection.” (Wikipedia) Progressive Creationism Similar to Intelligent Design but Progressive Creationism accepts mainstream geological and cosmological estimates for the age of the Earth. Progressive Creationism states that the new “kinds” of plants and animals represent instances of God directly intervening to create those new types. Some scientists resist the theory that science ennobles religion, as Einstein believes, but believe religion ennobles science. Dr. Michael J. Behe: A professor of Biochemistry at Lehigh University tries to clarify his views in a book titled Darwin’s Black Box. I did not purchase this book so I was limited to reviews and notes Dr. Behe posted on his site. Instead of taken up the scientific majority Dr. Behe states that intelligence was required to create the complexities of life. Darwin’s theory on random mutations and natural selection cannot be tested and therefore could be incorrect. Dr. Behe states that the theory has to be tested by “observing contemporary change in the wild, in the laboratory or at least reconstruct a detailed pathway that might lead to a certain adaptation.” He states, but for a few exceptions, Darwin’s random mutation and natural selection theory cannot account for all life. At the end of the essays he explains that life maybe beyond scientific explanation and leans toward Intelligent Design. (Behe, Michael, J, 1996) Conclusion According to a CBS news poll 55 percent of respondents did believe in the theory of evolution at all. (Roach, John, 2005) Therefore that puts all their faith in one theory. I believe this is dangerous. Not that it could cause harm to the individual but that it could cause the individual to be unresponsive to new discoveries within that theory. Both the theory of creation and the theory of evolution are valid theories. Both have holes but that is why they are not claimed as fact. Once we start believing one theory over the other we begin to shut down the progressive human tendency to discover things. I believe there is a happy median between evolution and creation. What’s wrong with replacing facts that are unknown with theories that make sense at this particular moment? As long as when facts do come up they can be critiqued and analyzed until it is confirmed by a majority that it is true. I doubt we will ever know the absolute truth about any of these but, of course, we still have the progressive human tendency to discover things. So one day we may find out.

References Wikipedia- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligent_design http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theistic_evolution Perry, Roger- http://www.darwinfoundation.org/en/library/pubs/jour nals/br15049803 Einstein, Albert- Autobiographical Notes, pp 3 & 5, http://www.einsteinandreligion.com/freethink.html Robinson, B.A.- Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance, http://www.religioustolerance.org/sci_rel.htm Hunt, J.M. – http://www.desy.de/gna/interpedia/greek_myth/creatio n.html Azize, Joseph – , “Phoenician Solar Theology: An Investigation into the Phoenician Opinion of the Sun Found in Julian’s Hymn to King Helios”, http://phoenicia.org/creation.html LaRocco, Chris and Rothstein, Blair- The Big Bang, http://www.umich.edu/~gs265/bigbang.htm Atkins, Peter- http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/peter_atkins/ behe.html Behe, Michael, J- Darwin Under the Microscope, http://www.arn.org/docs/behe/mb_dm11496.htm Roach, John- National Geographic News, http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/04/0427 _050427_intelligent_design.html

Survey for my Church – where ever you are.

— If I was a gay man would you respect me?
— If I married my male partner would you accept me?
— If I was a black man, a latino man, a jewish man would you understand me?
— If I was a criminal would you hug me?
— If I was a Muslim man would you smile at me?
— If I was Jesus would you love me?

The terrible conversation

Vicki’s voice gave out.  She stood staring at the sheet-white ghost in front of her.

Derik, standing in front of this beautiful brunette, began to speak but the woman screamed again.  Her scream was broken.  She suddenly coughed.

“Are you alright?”  Derik blurted

Vicki’s throat hurt.  The ghost’s concern for her was shocking and immediately stopped her screaming.

“Am I alright!” Vicki replied.  “Why are you haunting my house?”

The ghost flickered and disappeared.  He reappeared in on Vicki’s left.

“I’m not haunting your house, your haunting mine.. ”

— Ugh.. this is terrible.  I am bored writing this conversation.  The idea was that a ghost would have a conversation with a frightened victim.  I’m having several bad weeks as far as writing goes.  I just don’t want to do anything.  My novel is sitting in limbo because I cannot get them through a field of grass.  My first draft coasted right through everything but it was like my characters rode on butter.  A critic told me that I missed many opportunities to expand and get into details.

So that’s what I started to do.  Initially, I had this energy.  “I can do it!”  Then nothing.  I’m stressing over many things at the moment.  I’m behind in my knowledge level at work.  I’m behind on my art projects.  I’m trying to get into digital art.

For a guy that has been drawing with a pencil for what??  Twenty-some years, changing my medium seems impossible.  I have a new shop at Threadless.com called Broken Stick.  I’m trying to put some art up but they are looking for vector graphics and all this new stuff.  I’ve dabbled over the years in this stuff but I am just losing my touch and I need a new Tablet and Pen to draw on.  It’s all about the Tablet…

I imagine myself drawing and having a good old time on my drawing tablet.  My expensive drawing tablet but reality says you get this little Wacom with a missing pen.. 😦

I’m feeling like a downer today.. not my typical post.. I’m just so overwhelmed with everything.

I will keep living and talk to you later. 🙂

NBC’s Hannibal

I need to write something.  I want to continue with my re-edit but I just can’t.  I’m really distracted.  Television, of course, is part of my problem right now.  NBC’s Hannibal is so vivid and emotion-driven that it robs the creativity from the air.  I’m just drawn to the show and have no idea whats going to happen next.

The use of color in this series is unprecedented.  I’ve never actually seen anything like this.  Unfortunately, the series is scheduled to end after this summer.  I heard a rumor that it may have a life on Netflix or Amazon but that’s never certain.

Uhm…

As a writer I’m always poking around inside my head.  I’ve always wondered what happens within the head of a killer like Hannibal and I think this show does a wonderful job but it’s also so complicated.  The stories overlapping and also branching out in mysterious ways.  I forget the name of this current killer.  It’s part of the Silence of the Lambs movie.. ah.. I remember, I think, Buffalo Bill?  Right?  …. But there was another killer in that movie but I don’t remember his name.

Uh Oh.. This guy is starting to lose it.  😦

Looks like the lady with him may live another day.  This killer is so lost in his own head, as a lot of killers seem to be on the movies/tv.

Unfortunately, I will miss part of this but that’s ok… life moves on..

Thanks for listening to my little commentary on Hannibal.  I successfully wrote something today which is wonderful 🙂  This blog is the best thing going for my writing.  It forces me to just type and stop judging my material.

Alright, have a good night.

Same-ness

I wanted to address Same-ness and the relation to the identity crisis we are currently having in the US.

The problem is human nature’s desire for Same-ness.  we naturally want everything and everyone to be the same.  I understand this because it works for me too.  I don’t want anyone with a different opinion or a different way of life.  It causes conflict.  All the wars in history came down to a difference of opinion.  So the desire for Same-ness is perfectly logical.  Now:

The United States of America grew from our desire to be different.  We rejected that Same-ness.  We wanted the freedom to be different.  We are still different.  I am a huge fan of British shows.  I listen to the perception of Americans and it is consistently ‘different’.  The ‘Americans’ do this and that.. this is who we are.  We are different.  We do what we want.

Human nature is currently pulling us back to this notion that it’s better to be the same.

– We must have the same religious values.

– We must all be the same race, or at least act alike.

– We must talk the same and think the same

The United States is not the same.  We are a melt of nations.  Hundreds of different thoughts.  This is what makes us great.  This is the country that we built.  Our founders built this country, not off of religion, gender or race.  It was built to promote Freedom.  We are all free to be different.

Stand up and be different.  It’s ok.  It’s who we are

Thanks for listening

matt